May Writing Center Horoscopes

• Aries (March 21- April 19)Due to the sun's conflicting position with the Earth, your inner chi is off. Channel you inner namaste in order to resolve conflicting thoughts.                    
• Taurus (April 20- May 20)The collision between Pluto and the sun this month will result in a tumultuous few weeks for you, Taurus. Be sure to take cover from any debris from Pluto.
• Gemini (May 21- June 20)  Venus is in line with Mars this month which means the flowers will be growing in your direction. The flowers will sprinkle pollen on your head, causing severe allergies.           
• Cancer (June 21- July 22)                                                                                              A shooting star will fly across the sky, sprinkling good fortune onto your house. Do not be surprised if you stumble across a $20 bill in your future endeavors.
• Leo (July 23- August 22)A ladybug crosses your line of sight. In order to figure out your future AP Exam score, count the dots on this ladybug. The number of  dots will be reflective of your score.Yes, you can get a 7,Leo.
• Virgo (August 23- September 22)Remember to take time out of your day and smile to appreciate the little things. Happiness is the secret to beauty in life. At least, that's what you tell yourself after the plastic surgery fell through.
• Libra (September 23- October 22)The half moon on the 6th will cast a shadow into your relationship, meaning you will get yourself into some friend drama.         
• Scorpio (October 23- November 22)                                                                            Wow look in the mirror, what do you see? Someone who needs to get their life together. This is a wake up sign, literally.
• Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)As you attempt to overcome struggles in your daily life, look to your family. They are the source of all problems.
• Capricorn (December 22- January 19)Life is about priorities. Focus on what you hold dear. Like your appendages. Those are very important.
• Aquarius (January 20- February 18)Keep away from people that belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. And not just the midgets.
• Pisces (February 19- March 20)                                                                                 The Stars are in your favor as you find new love in an unexpected area. Pray to cupid that your romantic interest doesn't have a disease this time.                                          

* Horoscope Image credit goes to The Onion.

April Horoscopes

• Aries (March 21- April 19)It takes two to tango. Three to jump rope. Four to play doubles tennis. Five to make a basketball team. You have none of these Aries. Go get some friends.                        
• Taurus (April 20- May 20)Recently you have been letting the sleeping dogs lie. However, this is not a smart decision, as lying is a sin. Hold your dog accountable for its actions next time, Taurus.
• Gemini (May 21- June 20)Actions speak louder than words, especially actions that involve a microphone or a megaphone. Consider that next time you try to quietly enter a room, Gemini.             
• Cancer (June 21- July 22)                                                                                              A house divided against itself cannot stand. Your apartment is about to collapse in on itself. Does the phrase "load-bearing beam" mean anything to you? Watch more HGTV before any more renovations, Cancer.
• Leo (July 23- August 22)You have taken the saying "a penny saved is a penny earned" too seriously Leo. You're house is overflowing with pennies. It amounts to about ten dollars. Try the stock market next time.
• Virgo (August 23- September 22) For the first time in your life, you finally can see eye-to-eye with the people around you. That pair of high-heeled shoes was a very wise investment.                                 
• Libra (September 23- October 22)You are known to often pull the wool over other people's eyes. The stars advise against this action this poor fashion trend. Stop trying to make it happen. It's not going to happen.
• Scorpio (October 23- November 22)                                                                           Your recent romantic interests have caused you to have butterflies in your stomach. The stars understand having your mouth open when seeing someone attractive, but swallowing butterflies? Get a hold of yourself.
• Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)Your suspicions of those near and dear to you are incorrect Sagittarius. No matter what you think, hearing things through the grapevine is not a reliable source. Also consider a new pair of glasses, then you won't listen to grapes.
• Capricorn (December 22- January 19)This month you need the advice and support of your friends Capricorn. There are many things that have been weighing you down lately, and there is stuff you need to get off your chest. Mainly the bench press.
• Aquarius (January 20- February 18)The next time someone tells that they are all ears, do not take them too seriously. As a plastic surgeon, those lawsuits can get very expensive.
• Pisces (February 19- March 20)                                                                                 Due to recent changes in your lifestyle, you are a fish out of water Pisces. But you shouldn't let these obstacles stop you. Those obstacles certainly didn't stop evolution.  

* Horoscope Image credit goes to The Onion.

Horoscopes Brought To You By the Writing Center

• Aries (March 21- April 19)The stars have aligned in your favor Aries. Unfortunately this alignment will mess with the gravitational force on the outer planets in the solar system. Say goodbye to Pluto, Aries.
• Taurus (April 20- May 20)Recently, you've made a 180 degree change in your life. Make another one. Nothing has changed. Your poor math calculations will lead to no change in your lifestyle. Consider math classes before reinventing yourself next time, Taurus.
• Gemini (May 21- June 20)Honey, you've got a big storm coming. Also some clouds. A slight chance of fog. Maybe a slight wind. Check with your local meteorologist for more details.
• Cancer (June 21- July 22)As a result of outside factors, you have been curling up in a fetal position. While some may argue that this is not appropriate for your age, the stars understand your anguish. Possibly because you are a baby.
• Leo (July 23- August 22)A penny for your thoughts. A nickel for your opinion. A dollar for your advice. A 5 for your ideas. Thousands for your internal organs. Stay away from the black market, Leo.
• Virgo (August 23- September 22)Your shopping addiction is out of control. Your recent purchases have cost you an arm and a leg. Unfortunately, this has made balancing very difficult.  Consider buying a prosthetic.
• Libra (September 23- October 22)Remember to take criticism with a grain of salt. Also some pepper. Maybe some oregano. Seasoning is important.
• Scorpio (October 23- November 22)It is very hard for you to keep secrets. You have recently let the cat out of the bag and some people are very angry. Mostly PETA. That is not the proper way to treat your pets.
• Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)Recent events have forced you to realize that this is the last straw. Remember to pick up more straws next time you are grocery shopping. Also, some chocolate milk. Treat yourself.
• Capricorn (December 22- January 19)You have been working very, very, hard lately which has caused you to hit the hay quite frequently. Consider buying a punching bag next time you want to hit something. It is much more satisfying.
• Aquarius (January 20- February 18)Burn that bridge when you get to it, Aquarius. However, make sure that you use gasoline. Also, don't hold the stars liable for any legal action taken as a result of this event. 
• Pisces (February 19- March 20)People who swim against the stream are successful. Just look at the mighty Alaskan salmon.They travel thousands of miles upstream to be met by the claws of awaiting bears. 

* Horoscope Image credit goes to The Onion.