Horoscopes Brought To You By the Writing Center

• Aries (March 21- April 19)The stars have aligned in your favor Aries. Unfortunately this alignment will mess with the gravitational force on the outer planets in the solar system. Say goodbye to Pluto, Aries.
• Taurus (April 20- May 20)Recently, you've made a 180 degree change in your life. Make another one. Nothing has changed. Your poor math calculations will lead to no change in your lifestyle. Consider math classes before reinventing yourself next time, Taurus.
• Gemini (May 21- June 20)Honey, you've got a big storm coming. Also some clouds. A slight chance of fog. Maybe a slight wind. Check with your local meteorologist for more details.
• Cancer (June 21- July 22)As a result of outside factors, you have been curling up in a fetal position. While some may argue that this is not appropriate for your age, the stars understand your anguish. Possibly because you are a baby.
• Leo (July 23- August 22)A penny for your thoughts. A nickel for your opinion. A dollar for your advice. A 5 for your ideas. Thousands for your internal organs. Stay away from the black market, Leo.
• Virgo (August 23- September 22)Your shopping addiction is out of control. Your recent purchases have cost you an arm and a leg. Unfortunately, this has made balancing very difficult.  Consider buying a prosthetic.
• Libra (September 23- October 22)Remember to take criticism with a grain of salt. Also some pepper. Maybe some oregano. Seasoning is important.
• Scorpio (October 23- November 22)It is very hard for you to keep secrets. You have recently let the cat out of the bag and some people are very angry. Mostly PETA. That is not the proper way to treat your pets.
• Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)Recent events have forced you to realize that this is the last straw. Remember to pick up more straws next time you are grocery shopping. Also, some chocolate milk. Treat yourself.
• Capricorn (December 22- January 19)You have been working very, very, hard lately which has caused you to hit the hay quite frequently. Consider buying a punching bag next time you want to hit something. It is much more satisfying.
• Aquarius (January 20- February 18)Burn that bridge when you get to it, Aquarius. However, make sure that you use gasoline. Also, don't hold the stars liable for any legal action taken as a result of this event. 
• Pisces (February 19- March 20)People who swim against the stream are successful. Just look at the mighty Alaskan salmon.They travel thousands of miles upstream to be met by the claws of awaiting bears. 

* Horoscope Image credit goes to The Onion.