April Horoscopes

• Aries (March 21- April 19)It takes two to tango. Three to jump rope. Four to play doubles tennis. Five to make a basketball team. You have none of these Aries. Go get some friends.                        
• Taurus (April 20- May 20)Recently you have been letting the sleeping dogs lie. However, this is not a smart decision, as lying is a sin. Hold your dog accountable for its actions next time, Taurus.
• Gemini (May 21- June 20)Actions speak louder than words, especially actions that involve a microphone or a megaphone. Consider that next time you try to quietly enter a room, Gemini.             
• Cancer (June 21- July 22)                                                                                              A house divided against itself cannot stand. Your apartment is about to collapse in on itself. Does the phrase "load-bearing beam" mean anything to you? Watch more HGTV before any more renovations, Cancer.
• Leo (July 23- August 22)You have taken the saying "a penny saved is a penny earned" too seriously Leo. You're house is overflowing with pennies. It amounts to about ten dollars. Try the stock market next time.
• Virgo (August 23- September 22) For the first time in your life, you finally can see eye-to-eye with the people around you. That pair of high-heeled shoes was a very wise investment.                                 
• Libra (September 23- October 22)You are known to often pull the wool over other people's eyes. The stars advise against this action this poor fashion trend. Stop trying to make it happen. It's not going to happen.
• Scorpio (October 23- November 22)                                                                           Your recent romantic interests have caused you to have butterflies in your stomach. The stars understand having your mouth open when seeing someone attractive, but swallowing butterflies? Get a hold of yourself.
• Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)Your suspicions of those near and dear to you are incorrect Sagittarius. No matter what you think, hearing things through the grapevine is not a reliable source. Also consider a new pair of glasses, then you won't listen to grapes.
• Capricorn (December 22- January 19)This month you need the advice and support of your friends Capricorn. There are many things that have been weighing you down lately, and there is stuff you need to get off your chest. Mainly the bench press.
• Aquarius (January 20- February 18)The next time someone tells that they are all ears, do not take them too seriously. As a plastic surgeon, those lawsuits can get very expensive.
• Pisces (February 19- March 20)                                                                                 Due to recent changes in your lifestyle, you are a fish out of water Pisces. But you shouldn't let these obstacles stop you. Those obstacles certainly didn't stop evolution.  

* Horoscope Image credit goes to The Onion.